AESOP'S FOOBLES
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DUMB & DUMBER
Once upon a time, there was a man, who emerged from the Texas plains and their oil-fields, to become an elected
head-of-state. This man [we'll call him:"Jr." ] happened to be the son of a previously discredited head-of-state, also.
We'll call him: "Sr."
> Now Jr. hadn't the slightest idea what he was about, having been a "governor," for a short time , of Texas [which
remained in turmoil after he left it ] to become "President" of what is now described as:" The greatest
Protestant-Christian Country, in the history of the World!"
The person he replaced -it turned out - was a spawn of the Devil, so by comparison, Jr. seemed most desirable as his
replacement. That is, until he began to assume his role in his new office. Promises he has made before election, were
simply ignored, or broken. The crisis in constitutional government, left by it's predecessor, remained. In point of fact,
many of the criminals, appointed by "the spawn" were never replaced with honest men , by Jr. The chaotic mess
remained, but Jr. was unconcerned. He adopted many of the spawn's habits, the most obvious being multiple [staged]
photo-ops on a daily basis, complete with stage-props and selected attendees.
> In the meantime, Arab muslims were increasingly bellicose, their acts finally erupting in using commercial jet planes as
flying missiles to attack buildings in this Country. But, Jr., worried that he may be perceived as a Semitic "racist," did
nothing about thousands of muslims in this Country. Instead - at the urging of his vice president, generals in an
obsolete WWII war-building, and the trolls residing in something called The State Department - he invaded two
non-belligerent nations, using mercenaries in a standing army that had no right to exist, under constitutional law. Jr's.
legislature - a feckless gaggle of boobs, interested only in holding on to their offices by patronage, lies and trickery-
erroneously funded this army.
As it turned out, these two "wars" began to go badly, costing citizens many billions, with lives lost on a daily basis. Jr.
seemingly detached from reality and remembering Sr.'s incoherent babble about establishing "A New World-Order,"
thought that meant him, and he set about to establish a centralized national secret police force to spy on citizens and at
the same time require them to pay central-government more of their earnings, so he could use them to build two new
countries out of the ones he had invaded, ignoring the fact that as Semitics, killing one another, they were incapable of
governing themselves...ever.
As it happened, Jr.'s lies became more frequent and more transparent, until only air-heads, dingbats and Communists
showed any interest in listening to him. The impending disasters Jr. created, and the chaos left by his predecessor
[which he did nothing to change] created a monstrous central-government, totally out of control and heading for it's own
self-destruction! Citizens, out of work, finally began to pay attention to the seriousness of the state of their government,
which they had largely ignored when they had jobs, and were working to support their families.
As Jr.'s popularity began dropping like a lead balloon, he became more and more desperate to hold on to his office,
although he stupidly made all the mistakes that cost Sr. his own re-election. Communists and other atheists savored the
moment and elected "Spawn-Of-Satan II" to replace the now thoroughly discredited Jr.
Moral: If you are dishonest with yourself and too stupid to get out of your own way, you are going to fail at whatever you
attempt to do. .
THE SNAKE AND THE OWL
Once upon a time, there lived in the the forest an Owl, who was well know for his wisdom and sage advice. The Owl
perched upon a limb high up in a tree living up on top of a high ridge. Not many forest creatures visited such a high and
remote place. Those that did had very important questions [to them] that they brought to the attention of the Owl for his
advice. Later, the Greeks copied the Owl with their "Oracle," in a silly attempt to imitate the wise Owl.
Now, it happened, one day, that the Snake had an idea, while munching on a freshly-caught field mouse. Instead of all
of the forest creatures making their own way in life, why not have a central-government, that directed and controlled
them all so that "no critter should be left behind." All would share equally in the wealth of goodies that the forest
provided, regardless of their ability to provide for themselves. And most importantly, the forest creatures would no
longer worship God, to whom they owed their very lives, but would turn to this new government, and worship it instead.
Praying to government, instead of God, for their daily sustenance and welfare. It sounded like a perfect plan to create a
"paradise" right in their own forest!
Early , one morning, the snake set out to visit the Owl, high up on his perch in a tree up on a high ridge. The climb was
laborious and difficult. Scooting along on one's stomach isn't the most comfortable way to travel, and there were rocks
and thorns to contend with as well. But, the Snake was so confident that he had come up with the perfect plan that would
make all the forest creatures jump for joy at the prospect of putting his idea into practice, creating their own "paradise."
He was almost there - at the top of the ridge- when an eagle spotted him and swooped down for the kill. Just before
those awful talons opened up to clutch the squirming body of the hapless snake, Snake cried out:"Stop! I have the
perfect plan for you to live in a "paradise" forest, where you no longer have to hunt, because everything will be given to
you!" Swerving away in a narrow miss, the eagle, said:" I'll spare you this time, but your plan better work, or I will come
after you again, and you will be my dinner!"
Finally reaching the base of the tree where the Owl perched, Snake revealed his plan to the Owl, who sat silently,
pondering Snake's words in an un-blinking stare [owls are famous for]. "What do you think?" asked Snake, when he
had finished his recitation. A long silence ensued. Indeed, hours passed in the stillness of the forest. Owl made not a
sound.
Then, Owl asked Snake:" Who is to run this government of yours?" Snake responded:"Why a select elite, such as you
and I." "How do you know the other forest creatures would allow us to control them, with our government?" "Easy,..we
would just tell them that's the way it is, answered Snake." "What if some of the creatures didn't like that," pursued Owl.
"Then, they would die," chuckled Snake. "We would have to kill them, for the benefit of the rest of the forest creatures,
call it: a greater good."
Now Owl was extremely puzzled at this reply, since killing forest creatures didn't fit the picture Snake portrayed of a
"paradise" in the forest. Also, a government controlled by a tiny select elite, seemed like a dangerous idea, since they
would have no one to control them! And they would be assuming the position of God; something not lightly
contemplated. "How would your government provide for the forest creatures, guaranteeing their welfare in perpetuity?"
queried Owl. "It would just require that each forest creature gather as much food as he was able to and deposit it in a
central location, so government could then distribute it back to each forest creature in equal parts" "Hmmmm"...mused
Owl..."why go through the motions of returning food back to the ones that gathered it, and what if some gathered more
food than government returned to them?" "It would just have to be that way. From each forest creature,according to his
ability to gather food, then distributed back to him -by government- according to his need," hissed Snake, becoming a
little rattled at Owl's persistent questions. "And, who would determine this need?" persisted Owl. "Why you and the
other elites would, simple as that," Snake responded. "What portion would you give yourself, then?" queried Owl. "Since
I am in charge - playing God, which isn't easy - I would give myself a triple portion, and line my snake-hole with the finest
soft down, the forest creatures could find. What's wrong with that?" asked Snake.
"Everything!" crowed Owl. "Not only is your "paradise" filled with restrictions, commands, and inequities, it makes no
sense at all! Instead of a "paradise" in our forest, you propose to turn it into some kind of hell, where forest creatures
don't pursue their own quests with personal freedom, but must bend to the will of your government, or be killed!"
"Putting you in charge, and treating you as God" would destroy us all!" screamed Owl!
With that,Owl jumped off his perch, high up in his tree and swooped down on Snake, sinking his long talons into Snake's
neck. "But...but...my plan for a paradise sounded so good," gasped Snake. "So does everything a snake says,"
shouted Owl as he bit off Snake's head.
Moral: Listen to the words of a snake and either you or it will die.
The Bull and the Bird
Feeding in the pasture, as was his habit, the Bull cropped the lush green grass with gusto. Working his way toward a
row of trees, lining one side of the pasture, he looked up to the sky and there was a large bird, sitting upon one of the
lower branches.
"Hello," said the bird, " nice day, isn't it?" "What's nice about it?" replied Bull, "isn't is just like any other day?" "Not at
all. Today is your lucky day, " said Bird. Your owner is getting ready to sell you." "What? I don't want to be sold. I like it
just fine, right where I am. I get my share of cows to keep me company and have a nice warm barn to go in, when the
North winds blow." "Doesn't matter. The deed's been done," clucked Bird.
So it came to pass, the farmer pulled his tractor into the pasture with it's wagon attached and loaded Bull into it and
drove Bull to a waiting trailer. Bull was un-ceremoniously pushed up the ramp into the trailer, and the door slammed
behind him. Bull looked up, and there -sitting on a wooden beam - high up in the trailer was Bird. "Told yah," crowed
Bird, "Now do you believe me?" "Where are they taking me, and what are they going to do with me," mumbled Bull?
"Why, you are going to be a government experiment, and are being transported to Washington, D.C. where 535 Trolls
reside under 'The Doom O' Doom,' who have decided that you will be their shining example , how government works,"
chuckled Bird.
Now, Bull was confused and really didn't know what to think. He was familiar with how government jacked up the price of
milk the cows were giving to the farmer, purchased it, then made cheese out of it and gave the cheese away to aliens in
foreign lands. But Bull had never heard of anything government did to a grown bull. Of course young ones were caged,
fed milk and slaughtered to make something called "veal."
"Cheer up. A capitol hill pigeon told me that they planned on selling your sperm to foreign countries as part of their
'foreign aid' program, " tweeted Bird. "You mean no more cows to pleasure me," snarled Bull? "Yep. From now on the
only female you will see the rest of your life will be a woman, pumping you out on a regular basis, with a long, buzzing
device stuck up your butt," giggled Bird, "what a party!"
Now, it turned out a quarrel developed in the "Dome O' Doom" amongst rival Trolls , as to how to distribute Bull's
product. Some wanted to give it away; others wanted to make it a "lend-lease" operation, wherein the alien country
would repay in-kind at some later date, and still other Trolls wanted to sell it, then "forgive" the loan they made so the
aliens could purchase Bull's product. As it turned out, the "lend-leasers" won out, and Bull was put to work "producing "
his product.
Bird nested in the barn where Bull was kept and watched the 24/7 operation. Bull had no rest, no sleep, and barely had
time to eat and drink He longed for his pasture with the nice green grass, but that was not to be. Government demanded
his production and produce he would.
A year passed, and the "lend-lease" cycle began. And, as it turned out the alien product was much superior to Bull's, so
again, the Trolls in the "Dome O' Doom" got into their traditional squabble, how to handle the mess that they had
created. With "mad-cow-disease," a threat, no farmer wanted the alien product, and Bull's product couldn't be sold
domestically. Bird was beside himself with laughter! Here, they had Bull working 24/7 to produce something they
couldn't sell here or abroad! "It looks like you have become a 'white elephant' sort of bull, "screeched Bird.
"Government is keeping you and feeding you, but now you are useless." Bull got no relief. He was still required to
produce his product 24/7 even though all government could do was store it.
After several years passed, Bull's product had filled up the barn to the upper loft. There was no room for more to be
stored. Bird had to move to another shed, just outside of Bull's barn. No one knew what to do with the stuff! The
government Trolls were too embarrassed to address the problem, so let it continue until finally Bull gave out. His
production dropped to zero. "Ooppss, "remarked Bird," your useful days are in the past." "What are they going to do
with me now, cried Bull?" Sobbing in his staunton, his ego completely shattered.
As it turned out, Bull didn't have long to wait to find out. Some men in white coats entered the barn where Bull was kept
one morning, just before the sun came up over the horizon . One hit Bull in the head with a hammer, and before you
could say: "put the steaks on the Bar-B-Que," Bull was cut up into little pieces, ready for the Congressional-Cafeteria
[Trolls often eat up the evidence, when it's possible.]. Bird witnessed the whole event from a safe distance, and when it
was over, flew away to greener pastures. No one heard from Bird again.
The product Bull produced remains stored to the rafters in the barn, and every year the Trolls in "The Dome O' Doom"
fund it's storage costs, although now one wants or can use it. And no one has come up with a plan to get rid of it.
MORAL: No matter how much bull government gives you about some government scheme, the only thing certain is that
you will wind up with a load of something you don't want, can't use and have nowhere to put, but costing you mony
every year!
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by
Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long
as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would
be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex
even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an
impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the
monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the
priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but
no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have
the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom
for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the
witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her
price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of
the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never
encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible
burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own
life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most
beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded
Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared
as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half
the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show
off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old
witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by
night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
THE EAGLE AND THE RABBIT
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All
of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
MORAL:: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
THE TURKEY AND THE BULL:
A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. " They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more of the bull's bodily leftovers, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him
out of the tree.
MORAL: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
THE LITTLE BIRD AND THE COW
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped a load of crap on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow
manure, he began to realize how warm he was. The manure was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow shit. He promptly dug him out and ate him.
MORAL: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And {3} when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!